This week’s topic…drum roll, please…cancer. Cervical cancer to be more exact. January is cervical cancer awareness month, and up until a week ago, I would have thought nothing of it. Revert to last Friday when I got a phone call from my Dr.’s nurse stating they wanted to send me for a follow-up smear due to my abnormal test results. Uh, what? Come to find out, I have LSIL, or Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion. Which isn’t the worst it could be, but it isn’t great. I’ve spent a lot of time researching this past week not just on the medical side of the topic, but on the personal side as well. I’ve read several inspirational blogs by women who have been through far worse than what I hopefully will have to endure, but all in all, I must say I end this week on a higher note than I began.
I think women talking openly about the subject has been the most helpful thus far. I have gotten very open and in touch with a few women in my life over this past week in search for the validation that no matter what comes my way, I am going to be okay. I know no one or nothing can provide any guarantee of that, but knowing some of the things they have experienced provides some sort of solace. I think at this point, it all just sort of has the same scare effect, precancerous vs cancerous. I’ve never been here before, I’ve never had somethihng wrong with my body. Either way, something is wrong with my womanhood. I remember stting in the bathtub a few days ago wondering to myself, “What if I can’t have another baby? Will he still love me?”. Granted, that was my low point.
But, the conclusion I have come to in all of this, is that no matter what, I’m not alone. There are thousands upon thousands of women going through this exact thing (some even wayyyy worse). AND I have a wonderful family and support team behind me. So that’s really all that matters. There are always going to be slumps and bumps along the way, but it’s our choice in how we handle them. Sitting around moping didn’t get me anywhere. In fact, it got me even more worked up, which is completely unnecessary. Positivity takes work sometimes, but it’s worth it. I truly believe that.
On a side note, I truly want to express the importance of getting your annual smear. Prevention is key when it comes to cervical cancer, and the hope with me, is that they caught my abnormalities early enough before they have time to actually develop into anything else.So do it.Who knows, it could save your life.
My wedding day is quickly approaching. There was a point in time where I felt completely on top of things. And slowly, that feeling is slipping farther and farther away from me. Can we go back just a few weeks ago to where April didn’t seem so close? It’s not the actual marriage part that is bothering me so much, it’s the show that comes along with it. All the immense planning that goes into something that lasts such a short amount of time. The stress of making sure you have this, and that this is done correctly, and that all of these things have been ordered, and on and on and on. Ugh. My spare bedroom is slowly turning into a room that collects “wedding” things, just sitting there waiting for that special day when they all get to make their beautiful debut. The flower crown the I will probably only wear once.The pink dress that is hanging up in the closet that will only get to come out for a short time to grace the world with it’s beauty. Eventually it will all come together, bit by bit.
And not every day is like this, I try to remind myself as much as possible when I start to feel this way this it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, the only thing that matters is the fact that I will be marrying the man I love that day. That’s it. So, on days like today when the world around me feels as if it is spinning out of control, here’s my reminder to just breathe.
I can’t believe it’s been a year already (well, almost). And what an amazing year it has been. If you would have asked me at the beginning of January last year if this is where I saw myself this year, the answer would clearly be no. But then again, do people really have the ability to detect when they are going to fall in love? Probs not, and if they do, they need to share that shit. Anyways, here I am and here we are. Completely in love and getting married in just three short months.
I guess you could say that I always had this feeling inside that things would work out, (I guess people tend to call that hope) even though I had absolutely no idea when that would be. I refused to settle on the idea that life was always going to be crappy. And maybe that’s what got me through all those dark days. That little voice inside me telling me to just keep going, no matter how hard things might have been.
If you ask him, he will tell you that our Anniversary is the day he found me. And I would have to agree. He found me at a time when I was very vulnerable to the world around me. I knew what I wanted out of life, but I didn’t exactly know if I had the guts to go after it. And thank goodness I did. If i hadn’t had taken that chance on love, on us, I would have missed out on so many amazing things and memories that we have shared together. And the even better thing, is that we have a whole lifetime ahead of us to keep sharing those magical experiences.
So, here’s to finally finding the consuming love I have been searching for my whole life. Here’s to us on the good days, the bad days, and all the in-between days. Here’s to taking a chance and having it be the best decision you ever made. Here’s to a lifetime of love and wonderful memories. Here’s to loving us more than any bad day that may lie ahead of us and all of the wonderful one’s that do for us to soak up. Here’s to forever, my love.