What now?

I finally managed to pull myself up out of the floor long enough to wind up here.

There have only been two instances in which I can recall that have literally brought me to the floor; the day I realized things were officially over with my ex-husband, and the day that I was notified I was being let go from my job. I suppose I should be thankful that those are the only “tragic” things that have occurred in my life at the ripe age of almost 29, and in the grand scheme of things of course I realize that my problems seem so miniscule compared to the real problems of the world, however, at this very moment all I can seem to focus on is myself and how I am going to keep my world from completely falling apart over the next three weeks. I suppose the only way to go from here is up, but my fear is that what if this isn’t rock bottom? What if the worse is only to come? How do you keep your mind from spiraling and focusing on everything that could go wrong?

I keep being told to view this as an opportunity, when one door closes another opens, have faith, etc….. but right now all I can manage to do is sit here and continuously go over and over in my head where it is I went wrong. And no matter how hard I want to say it was so-and- so’s fault, at the end of the day, I have no one to blame but myself. I think that may be the hardest thing to accept about this entire situation.

But, I guess the good thing about all of this is I will either persevere or I won’t. My resiliency has managed to get me this far in life (although at this current time that doesn’t seem to be very far). I suppose you could say my life has managed to come full circle and it just so happens to be 4 years to the month. I’ll never forget that Tuesday in March when I dropped my dad off at the airport for Boston and had the realization that that was the day my life would begin to change. Looking back, I don’t really feel as if that much has changed over the past 4 years. I suppose an outside perspective would differ in opinion since I have been told on countless occasions how noticeably different of a person I am today versus back then. But today I feel exceptionally low and worthless.

I know at some point these initial emotions will pass and I will somehow manage to find the silver lining in all of this chaos. That’s the thing I need to hold on to most in all of this. I just need to know that everything is going to be okay. That at the end of the day, the life I have fought so hard for and the happiness I have finally found isn’t going to go away.

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