It’s as if the events I have been running from over the past month have finally caught up with me and smacked me in the face. Not so much physically, but the emotional baggage of everything has finally arrived.
“Hello, we are here, where would you like us to unpack our bags?”
Today I just don’t have it in me. Here’s hoping that tomorrow is better…
I think the first hurt of any relationship is always so crucial. Groundbreaking in a sense. The emotion so fresh but so deep, and the cut so precisely made. Oh, new love, these are the reasons walls are built.
“It is such a pleasure to come in and see your smiling face every day.”
The past few weeks have not been easy to say the least, but there have definitely been lessons learned along the way.
Patience has been one of the biggest. Waking up every day not knowing what only the day is going to bring, but also the future, can be such an unsettling feeling. But it’s all in your perception. Everyone has things going on in their every day lives that are less than ideal. However, it is our personal decision every single day to not let those circumstances define who we are as a person. Happiness is a choice. You can either wake up and decide that you are going to tackle the day and anything that comes your way with your best capabilities and a smile, or, you can choose to focus on the negative and not put your best foot forward. Not every day is going to be perfect. We all have bad days. But it is in those bad days that we also need to recognize and be thankful. The anticipation of what to come has been overbearing at times. I have absolutely no idea where I am headed at this point, but I continue to wake up every morning, put a smile on my face, and walk out the door to tackle the world. In a way I guess I could say that I am excited to see what the future holds for me, as scary as it may be. I almost feel as if some sort of weight has been lifted, as ironic as it sounds. Maybe this truly is a blessing in disguise like everyone else has been telling me. Who knows….
“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away.”
My initial instinct is to always flee. To jump ship and get as far away from my problems as I possibly can. Refusing to deal with reality is my way of dealing…until I refuse to deal for so long that I no longer have a choice. If only there were a way for my to “set my foot down” to keep my world from continously feeling as if it is spinning out of control. I just need a moment to catch my breath, to clear my head, to think…
Where do I go from here?
I finally managed to pull myself up out of the floor long enough to wind up here.
There have only been two instances in which I can recall that have literally brought me to the floor; the day I realized things were officially over with my ex-husband, and the day that I was notified I was being let go from my job. I suppose I should be thankful that those are the only “tragic” things that have occurred in my life at the ripe age of almost 29, and in the grand scheme of things of course I realize that my problems seem so miniscule compared to the real problems of the world, however, at this very moment all I can seem to focus on is myself and how I am going to keep my world from completely falling apart over the next three weeks. I suppose the only way to go from here is up, but my fear is that what if this isn’t rock bottom? What if the worse is only to come? How do you keep your mind from spiraling and focusing on everything that could go wrong?
I keep being told to view this as an opportunity, when one door closes another opens, have faith, etc….. but right now all I can manage to do is sit here and continuously go over and over in my head where it is I went wrong. And no matter how hard I want to say it was so-and- so’s fault, at the end of the day, I have no one to blame but myself. I think that may be the hardest thing to accept about this entire situation.
But, I guess the good thing about all of this is I will either persevere or I won’t. My resiliency has managed to get me this far in life (although at this current time that doesn’t seem to be very far). I suppose you could say my life has managed to come full circle and it just so happens to be 4 years to the month. I’ll never forget that Tuesday in March when I dropped my dad off at the airport for Boston and had the realization that that was the day my life would begin to change. Looking back, I don’t really feel as if that much has changed over the past 4 years. I suppose an outside perspective would differ in opinion since I have been told on countless occasions how noticeably different of a person I am today versus back then. But today I feel exceptionally low and worthless.
I know at some point these initial emotions will pass and I will somehow manage to find the silver lining in all of this chaos. That’s the thing I need to hold on to most in all of this. I just need to know that everything is going to be okay. That at the end of the day, the life I have fought so hard for and the happiness I have finally found isn’t going to go away.